RiotDoll [she/her, she/her]

I moved up to the pnw and immediately started hormones as soon as i could and i had this awakening over the course of the first few years where i realized i was willing to kill someone over a tree now and like, that goes deep. it’s really spiritual, religious, mystical or whatever. going on a trail, even one of those basic removed “it’s paved and as flat as you can manage in washington” trails it’s like, yeah this is true divinity i will kill e veryone who tries to diminish this with the zeal of a christian trying to retake the holy land during the first crusade so

i feel it

i’m six+ years in though

To my loved trans/gnc siblings, if you can leave Texas, please get the fuck out of there.

I know there’s privilege in it. I was at the poverty line and only had the money to move from trying to go to school - i know you need security where you’re going, and a job prosepct - which i was able to line up with my partner… but where there’s a will there’s a way. Washington is safe as a trans person, less so as a poor person (still better than texas though)

Please, please leave before they start harming y’all directly

when i was more on the binary I defined it in terms of behavior sets - masculinity had a lot of baggage over years of performing it, and more than anything, the masculine social role became something i associated with oppression, self and external hatred. I don’t think of that as healthy, it’s just where I ended up after years of performing ill-fitting social roles, and the fatigue of living in misogynistic and patriarchal circumstance; and presentation - how i comport myself, how i dress, how i exist in a social environment.

As I got into hormones, it was the subjective experience of feminization. What started to emerge that felt right, and affirming to do and be just… changed. Gender euphoria guiding, the general internal changes that came with HRT became the most important thing. It literally made my brain work better. I’m autistic and I began just naturally perceiving social cues I used to miss. Im not saying estrogen cured my autism, far from it, however the breadth of what I can naturally process and understand expanded more dramatically than years of psychedelics and painful-to-learn behavioral coping strategies ever gave me. I felt substantially more human, when i used to genuinely ask myself if i was some kind of secret alien or something.

I still feel a kind of alienness to allistic folks but i’m much b etter at doing and being alongside them now, while generally honoring who i am otherwise.

These things all came together and matured, because I got comfortable enough in my own skin to cease defining myself with those behavior sets and presentations i arbitrarily assigned to my vision of womanhood for myself. At this point the high-femme repetoire i learned in my first two years of transition are the basis of a more non-binary being. I call myself transfemme, because i don’t really see myself as a woman, the transness of my identity feels inseparable from any specific manifestation of Gender - I like dressing like a tomboy or a more non-binary femme, like i honestly prefer traditionally lesbian styles that don’t innately accent the feminine form, they’re just cute and comfy things.

I’m not beyond a cute dress and makeup and more traditional expressions of femme being, but in general I try to just exist comfortably now - that’s something dominantly feminine, but not bound by it.

I have limited plans for surgery - i dont want breast augments anymore, i don’t want ffs, i just want laser surgery and/or electrolysis to make my beard go away forever. Everything else feels manageable. Sometimes I think i should pause hormones to bank sperm and try to get myself in a place to have a family - something i deeply, badly want - and i’m perfectly willing to use the birth equipment to get there, so my dysphoria isn’t strictly in a place of needing drasting bodily alteration to sate, and so it doesn’t feel right to myself to insist i’m exactly like somebody who wants to completely alter their look and body.

which is to say i’m kind of in the same boat as OP maybe, but we’re all different, but i felt some kinship in reading it.

I moved my dead name to my middle, but my old middle name always caused intense emotional distress and in hindsight it’s almost certainly because of how masculine it was. It never felt like me, way before those feelings had a deeper and more understood origin.

My old first name isn’t quite gender neutral, but it’s rare as a femme name, and it’s normal enough as a feminine middle name and it shows up hyphened a bit - desiring to have my transition mark an evolution, a metamorphosis rather than like, a stark death/rebirth, and keeping the old name but deprecating its primacy was the fitting move for me.

I spit on my dead middle name though. Awful. Fucking disgusting.

i thought i was pansexual before transition but it just turns out penises are fine when they’re attached to lady’s

so i’m basically the opposite, where i start turning into a flustered moron every time I find myself around pretty women whereas men routinely make me want to burn down reality itself

but for a while there when my wires were crossed I found myself enduring the smells and antics of a gender I was priming myself to leave in the dust fully; who knew

either way figuring yourself out is great