I swear I’m not Jessica

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Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: July 4th, 2023

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  • When I first stare at my upper lip in the mirror, I see an unmistakable shadow and the roots. However, when I close my eyes for a second and reframe it in the context of my entire face, it basically disappears.

    I realize that I won’t be able to accurately judge myself; that I’ll always see problems no one else does. I just need do my best and move on, as I’ll never think the work is done otherwise. I do better at most things when I give a good effort and don’t worry about my shortcomings.














  • The funny part is that I didn’t actually play female characters when I was younger. I’d go for longer hair and androgynous features, but I thought I had to make my character look how I looked at the time. I was honestly resistant to ever playing as a woman, because I thought I should only play as my AGAB.

    The fact that I didn’t play femme before made me doubt myself for the longest time. I didn’t have The SignsTM, so I was just faking it. Turned out that my inability to recognize my own emotions was to blame. I feel gender dysphoria as exceptional discomfort and unhappiness with no obvious source. I felt like I didn’t belong, but had no idea that being a girl could fix that for me. I only rarely connected the dots on what upset me and didn’t get a hint at the larger picture till I was an adult.

    Even though I didn’t experience the comic, it did touch on why I didn’t play as a girl: imagined judgement. The friend probably doesn’t mean anything by his comment, with Paxiti only imagining him calling her an egg. It could even be that the friend isn’t a person, but a reflection of how she imagines society will judge her.

    In truth, dudes love riffing on their friends for not conforming like that, not because they think anything of it, but because they don’t. It took me years to understand that there was usually no hidden meaning and you’re just supposed to act like it’s meaningless as well. If you take it to heart, then they find it weird. I feel comforted when I talk openly about my feelings, but male dominated social groups often find that scary. It’s not universal, but in larger groups, it becomes nearly impossible to have personal conversations.








  • If you don’t realize that feudalism is the natural course of capitalism, I don’t know what to tell you. Really, capitalism is just collective feudalism, with the state enforcing rule for the large nobility. Capitalism trends towards monopoly, with power funneling info fewer and fewer hands.

    It requires a conceited effort of the state and the public to prevent or stem this. The government can’t just take power from the wealthy for itself, but redistribute that power to the people for their independent use. That’s more democratic socialism than social democracy, and it certainly does not represent capitalist mechanisms. It can only work in spite of capitalism.