Phalloplasty

Good:

The surgeon was very confident about creating the phallus itself and my arm is indeed a good candidate - that’s good. My arms are pretty thin, so I’m also hoping this will avoid the indent that comes from the transition from skin to scar after surgery. I really do not want an arm scar. It upsets me tbh, but there are such drawbacks to each technique that RFF (forearm) is my preferred method. Thigh would be too thick for me, shoulder gives no tactile sensation, abdominal is low to no erotic sensation. RFF gives the most in tactile and erotic sensation and can be a small(er) dick too. All results can look good, but I’m so consistently impressed with RFF results.

Worrying/bad:

In previous communication, he said both urethra lengthening (UL) and scrotoplasty were higher risk and there’s not much of any published research or methods for this post vaginoplasty. Today he said neither would be possible, but I pushed back and reminded him that he said there’s a chance, so he conceded there is a chance. I probably did a bad thing, but I let him know that I’m willing to take on the risk because not even trying is not worth continuing to live imo (I said it nicer than that). He wants to talk to my therapist to make sure I’m in a good place in case things do not work out (losing scotum, UL fail, etc).

• Scrotoplasty uses the labia skin and he’s concerned of bloodflow issues considering these are not natal labias. I’ve been reading today that there is another technique that can also use the clitoral hood as well if you’re getting clitoral burial, which I want. I wonder if he’s thought of that, since he didn’t bring up burial or not.
• UL is the rough one. I’ve seen many people post about months of being on catheters due to strictures, fistulas, and other complications. Messing with the urethra really seems to be just risky all around. Many transmasc people in particular told me if I don’t have stand to pee dysphoria, I should forgo UL entirely due to the complication rate. The issue is I don’t think I can fully feel connected to my dick if I can’t pee out of it. Maybe I can find a path if I tried and failed for UL, but not trying at all isn’t an option.

If I can’t get scrotoplasty, I can’t get an erectile device. Unlike my willingness to look for a path in a post-failed UL world, I will not look for a path without an erectile device. Nobody really likes to hear me say that, but it’s my life and I’m the only one who has to live every day with what’s on my body. I hope he finds some optimism after talking to his urologist, my therapist, and me again. He also wants me to talk to his urologist soon too.

Other surgeons?

There are other surgeons as well, but not as many my insurance covers currently and if I’m being honest I’m so worn down. I’d like it to be where this all happened in the first place. It makes sense symbolically. Speaking of symbolism, the very last item related to surgery/recovery that I didn’t throw away was my dilators. They give you them when you leave the hospital. I hate those things so much and the dumpster outside my apartment didn’t feel strong enough to get them away from me. So I held onto them until today and threw them away in a trash can in the hospital. Begone.

Now back to waiting