Ever since I was a kid, it’s never been about wanting to be a woman so much as not wanting to be a man.

Lol trans women do listen to a lot of weird shitty music.

I am shook.

Ice cream is a staple of the tweaker/junkie diet, so I can confirm. I can’t stomach ice cream too much though. :/

Odd because I know a lot of people who use meth and aren’t skinny as fuck. The most stunningly beautiful person I’ve ever met has been doing meth and heroin since they were 18. It’s weird.

Right now though I’m having kind of a really bad negative thought loop. How I lost my friend because I’m mentally ill, lonely, autistic, and unbelievably lacking in social skills; the piece or shit who narc’d on me to my friend, about how I flipped shit on him because (and this part was left out of course) he said they lead dudes on for attention, he gets to see them, because he isn’t annoying, and because he has social skills. And nothing I say or do will change anything. I need to “move on.” I can’t even find this dude and jump him because I’ve been extremely weak literally from the day I was born (congenital hypotonia) and uhh I don’t know what he looks like since it was the middle of the night when this happened. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Move on. Make other friends. I feel like I’m fucking insane but the pain I feel when I think that they’re gone forever is fucking real. That doesn’t fucking matter though, of course. It literally makes me want to kill myself.

But at the sam time, I hold onto this hope that they’ll talk to me again one day when I’ve gotten better. They would be happy to see that happen; they’re used to people being fucked off disappointments.

I firmly believe that if I’m gonna quit, I need to have the willpower to be around it. I basically every time just decide I’m gonna quit when I run out of dope, and then my neurotransmitters bottom out, I start freaking out, and then I’m right back where I started, waiting for my dealer to break into his own trailer because he locked himself out and built too many security features to keep “them” out.

Especially because all my friends, including not only my future boywife but also the person who will be officiating our wedding (my dealer) do drugs.

Boy am I insane yeehaw.

Nobody calls it that anywhere. I made it up lol. And yeah meth.

I am looking into treatment. Calling this one place tomorrow.

Yeah. I can’t remember why I didn’t today.

Oh right I was shopping.

There’s a place outside my city, on the coast; it sounds nice, my friend’s (the one who got me a motel room) husband just did a 90 day inpatient program there. Idk how long a vacation treatment program my Medicaid will cover. But I’ll find out.

Tomorrow I also need to:

1. Call the DMV because they never sent me my ID.
2. Make an appointment to get back on gender-affirming hormone therapy.