what even is this shit anymore? I thought I was she/her, but apparently theres some spicy areas to it. That or its lingering internalized transphobia keeping me from actually expressing myself in the day to day. are meds fucking with my dysphoria? Am I even trans?

wait thats like ridiculous as fuck

BUT I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME WITH IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME! ITS NOT ABOUT AM I ENOUGH, ITS ABOUT IF IM EVEN FUCKING TRANSFEM OR SOMETHING ELSE OR HIDING FROM MYSELF

gender is just nonsense, its useless fucking nonsense i fucking hate it, i need it gone, i hate just not being able to conform to any binary. Maybe im just not a binary woman, and im having issues with being okay with it due to internalized enbyphobia.

Lenin’s Fucking Beard can i just fucking decide for once?

This is messing up my sexuality heavy, or am i imagining it. Because honestly it could be residue self hatred leading to all of this. I could be a TGirl gay ass removed and just be a bit fruity with my gender sometimes. I just don’t know what else is going on with me.

I refuse, like outright avoid, situations to express myself. I feel uncomfortable being out to good friends and just have this feeling of being fake as fuck. I don’t try to identify irl with my gender expression. I just keep my hair longish, and shave, and wear guy clothes. I DONT DO ANYTHIN’! Just sit around, refusing opportunity after opportunity AND I DONT KNOW WHY

dysphoria comes and goes, nothing makes sense, and honestly im no better than i was when i found out sobbing in the corner of my room on the weekend after i turned 18, blasting a banger Astrophysics cover of ‘Fly me to the Moon’.

I just kinda want to die, its constant, but a month ago i tried to write a letter and damn was it cathartic because i don’t think i actually want to die. Im deeply insecure, depressed, and cynical, but I want to keep going. Or do I, was I just fuckin lucky that I thought the letter was cringe as all fuck and scrapped it realizing ‘general depression’ didn’t feel like enough reason to overdose on aderall.

Why do i refuse to reach out, why do i refuse to try, why do i refuse to improve and be something more

i just sit in the same husk as i was at 15, not moving forward, but generally just rotting. My state of mind feels worse internally, but better externally, like im being sealed in. dark thoughts hurt me.

im sitting in my new dorm thinking that maybe i haven’t opened a new chapter in my life at all, but just stepped into the next stage of my descent into fucking insanity.

who knows, i could be ‘saved’ with a fucking hug or actually eating food but hunger keeps everything so nice and hazy.

I love all of you here, i sure hope you don’t read this, but if you do…

i don’t know, maybe some advice, some help? Don’t know how useful itll be since i refuse to allow people to help me.

  • kristina [she/her]@hexbear.netM
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    10
    ·
    edit-2
    24 days ago

    Gender can be weird. Finding a way to be happy can be weird.

    I’ve had my fair share of doubts over the 10+ years I’ve been transitioned. I’ve even stopped HRT before because I wondered if it was affecting my mental/physical health badly (lmao, it wasn’t, I can’t function without it). It should be noted that gender dysphoria isn’t the only thing trans people face, its very likely you have a lot of comorbid conditions due to how society handles us and how little preventative medicine reaches us. I’ve sometimes felt that maybe I would prefer I’d be more androgynous, and at other times, I felt like maybe I would prefer to be more femme, but all under the same category of ‘woman’. Maybe it was just wanting a change in window dressing? Unsure.

    What I do know is that if you’re generally mentally overwhelmed its best to address what the cause of that is. As I’ve grown older my life has become a lot more stable and mellow, and so have these feelings of needing a ‘shift’ or something. I’ve found the meds that seem to do the most for me (anxiety, depression, ptsd, gender dysphoria, et al) and things seem to have genuinely calmed down. There is of course a lingering trauma to not being helped head off dysphoria as a young person, transitioning feels like to a lot of people that you’re just fighting against all the mistakes that cropped up with your first puberty, and never getting fully there with your transition due to having to fight against your history all the time. Sometimes, it feels like you are so used to fighting against yourself, that when you actually seem to get better, you feel a need to keep fighting and find yourself confused.

    Of course, many feelings are valid. Its possible you got it wrong, and maybe you got something groovy going on with your gender. The only way you can know this is if you experiment a bit. Be sure to write down how you feel every day. Write down the steps you have taken to do x gender thing or not. Write down your mood on a scale of 1-10, explain what each number means, explain how you feel about your physical self. Documentation, documentation, documentation. You may be surprised how many days you’re feeling alright, and you might notice common patterns on days you don’t. Perhaps you have some sort of trauma you aren’t fully processing, but documentation will help with that. Shit, be a pervert, put those numbers on a graph and plot them, it could be seasonal.

    I feel like a sense of community is very necessary. Just online doesn’t cut it. I feel like queers need to be in nearly constant physical contact with each other and form our own ‘tribe’ so to speak in order to repair the harm of society. Try to scrap out your own group.

    Also, as your mom, eat some food, take your vitamins, and get 8 hours of sleep minimum each day. You’re a growing woman / gender devil of some kind. very-smart