Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary
IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO or else I WILL BAN YOU
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The ‘Anarchists’ (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack…
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
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Looking foreard to it c:
I mean I have talked to people online but not any irl friends, some people come and go like acquaintances but most lose interest or ghost me or move on but nobody but Ash knew me as a person much, irl I haven’t had any.
I don’t know , sometimes I would maybe but I’ve spent like 40 years without any real friemds, other than Ash I haven’t really had any irl. Not many have tried to get to know me like I’ve barely any people I talk to online even. I busy myself to not think about it so much. Though some days It can get to me. Handy living with my best friend and wife, but sonetimes I still feel lonelines, I don’t talk to my family either.
I also struggle with feeling boring, probably a self worth issue. I don’t really know how to do friend stuff. I’m so used to being self reliant like I don’t need people like some others do but thats not to say I don’t feel lonely or whimsical about it sometimes.
I’ve spent years alone with juat shop assisstants to talk to.
sorry for the late (and long, and self-centered omg) reply, I was thinking about you all evening but kinda hit my brain’s general daily comprehension limit and couldn’t find the right words.
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One of the hardest things about responding this post was actually trying to figure out my own history when it comes to friendships so that I can empathize. I’ve had a lot of different phases of my life, parts where I masked well enough to be popular (for … a certain definition of popular?), parts where I rejected everyone around me (different reasons at different phases), parts where I’ve only had Partner, parts where I’ve felt like “friendships” are actually working (for … a certain definition of working), parts where my only friends were online, parts where I don’t know what I want (I am here now). It’s kind of a confusing mess if I look back, and most of it was not sustainable. I am liking this online thing (as I did when I was young), because I can take the night to think about an entire post like yours, currently, but I do have a bit of trouble keeping up when I’m having a large deep conversation with more than 3 or 4 people at once.
I don’t have much to say to this unfortunately but I do feel what you’re saying.
eeee oh my god this made me feel something so strong. I’m not an irl touchy person but I want to like virtually hug you so bad.
I’m sure you can tell I struggle too with how I think people perceive me, but like in the opposite direction. fwiw I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversations, and I’ve really enjoyed starting to get to know you. I’m just an internet stranger trying to figure all of this stuff out too, but it’s the best I can offer for now.
I asked Partner if he could relate to this as well, and he says instead that he struggled to be understood in the past - he says people used to ask him to repeat himself a lot, or just smile and nod. aaaaaaa i want to fix everyone. For the record, he says I don’t do this, but well I think he’s being nice (I have trouble understanding words sometimes once I hit the rate limit).
yeah, i feel like I kinda intuited some of it from TV shows and films (actually I learned a lot about how to mask from Scrubs or Parks & Rec, tbh), but uhh as far as presenting authentically, no amount of copying and scripting can help with that, can it? I wonder what my conversations would look like if I was 0 masking…
yeah, totally valid
(sorry, this post was (can’t find the word), I hope you feel seen nonetheless)
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Yeah I’ve had so much time to think and mull on this kind of stuff so I’ve been around the logic of it for a very long time lol trying to figure out what the issue is or why I’ve not really been successful in forming friendships. I know a lot stems from being alienated because of stuff at home growing up with abuse and other things, being autistic and not really being able to form any friendships in school and then as I moved from Primary to Secondary I then got bullied too on top so it kind of left me with nobody to help or talk to and such, this was pre-internet days so it’s not like now where you can just go online I spent most of my childhood trying to escape the reality and sometimes hiding under the bed and shutting myself away from my family. As far as friends I’ve never had a friend group so it’s easy, I’ve had a few relationships and two of those were abusive too so it also had a contributing factor in me being able to trust people, especially when I’ve been on the receiving end for a lot of my life before I transitioned.
She is based, we’re best friends and like we think very similarly and the best thing to ever happen to me. She’s the only person to truly get me as a person.
I think it is to some degree. I think I separate the friendship/acquaintances to how deeply they know you so to speak (this is what makes sense in my head) like I have had people who chat to me about random shit but nothing really deeper. I used to have more walls while dealing with my trauma which probably had some effect of closing me off but I’ve had about 25 years of abuse from various parties, like physical, mental and verbal so it was hard to learn to drop some of those walls to be able to be a human. (but I am not afraid to show my bare ass like what you see here) I still have some trust issues and I definitely have ptsd and some other triggers that can happen years later because of what I’ve been put through. (also I don’t have a lot of reference for other people so a lot of my experience is from my own perspective or about me because it is easier to give you that information because that’s how it formed me as a person, not that I can’t talk about my wife but I am conscious of talking about oneself too much and I know NT world states it’s a faux pas but that’s just how I am)
Yeah it’s become a standard with online spaces I guess lol I have had people talk about themselves mainly and that’s been the whole “relationship” so that can be wild too. I don’t tend to let these kinds of things bother me though it’s like nomads drifting and you may have a chat or be the sympathetic ear from time to time but it can feel hollow sometimes when it’s all the other person and when they lose interest they drop you.
This is also an autism trait but also (I don’t have much other than me and my wife to talk about lol so like a lot of this I chalk up to NT brainworm bs and try to ignore that but like I’ve said above I’m also aware of it too, I don’t mind people talking about themselves at all, so don’t let that doubt worry you… I only get bothered if it feels one way and more over time like I think a lot of it is you want the exchange of information to be balanced and not skewed in one direction, I know I do but rarely get that.
As for in person, well I’ve not had the opportunity to interact with a lot of people that want to get to know me.
I would be the one where this is pretty relatable to my experience, my family couldn’t tell you anything about me as a person, they couldn’t tell you my favourite colour or anything about me at all I was so shut off from them. And well most people that I’ve interacted with here would be on a similar level of understanding me, nobody really knows me or tries to get to know me.
Me neither, only person that gets that close to me is Ash, I couldn’t even hug family members when I had to interact with them, past tense. I am pretty stand offish and I can be cold if I’m unsure about people, again I do have trust issues especially around touch and getting too close to me physically… I need to trust someone to even be comfortable to have a hug. Not that I’m a meek person either, I do have my presence which can make people take a step back I’ve just been through a lot and mix that with a lot of autism I can seem robotic and cold when I have the walls up too so it’s a delicate balancing act and I’ve worked through a lot of mental stuff but I think at this stage I can’t be “fixed” I just carry it with me (hence the presence and the feeling of oppressive sadness/pain that I don’t necessarily feel but it’s there under everything) I’m not depressive as much as I probably sound sad it’s just “I’ve seen a lot of shit” and been on the end of a lot of shit too so some of that will always remain. Though I’m well past being suicidal where I have been before I transitioned. I’m long past that though just so you and whoever else reads this knows… I’m not depressed I’m just very aware that I’ve been damaged to my core.
I get this but realistically you do worry too much… I do mull on things sometimes, like “was I too blunt” or “I hope I don’t offend them” stuff like that, I do hope that people understand that I do care to some degree but I also don’t worry too much about people too… like I don’t go out of my way to be an asshole to anyone. I would hope people can tell the difference with me that they’d be able to talk to me if I upset them but I know some people can misread things from me so I do hope that at least in some part they’ll know everything is coming from the void the same way, like I’m not trying to be a dick to you, even if I seem blunt or direct.
virtual hugs I can do ^^
I think some of it can be when you have time to think about some of the emptiness you feel, the loneliness can creep up on you and into your thoughts. I have spent years alone so it gave me a long time to mull on it. I think one person can’t always hold up everything and you do need more outlets too… So I get the “you need to socialise more” kind of rhetoric but not really… for me personally, and It always sounds more severe too when you talk about the loneliness side of it. I’ve always had that emptiness because well I didn’t have any outlets and mostly my self (I joke about my goblin and then the swarm of spiders who mediate in my head, but that’s my self and then the internal logic and analysis (from the spiders) so I embraced it somewhat but some days you feel invisible and I guess that’s more what bothers me about the whole thing. More being unseen and I’ve spent a lot of my life like that too.
I think maybe I’m just not what people expect or don’t care. I am used to people not really caring but that doesn’t really bother me. I don’t think you’re boring either. I think my self worth is where it comes from partially. I do feel sometimes I am a burden too but that’s common for autistic people and not wanting to overburden people and also because society is build around NT people and we struggle to fit within those constraints too, but I also feel like these people don’t try to get to know me, and it’s more that side of things. There’s many factors more than likely more on their end than mine but I’m not going to assume I don’t have my faults either or lack somewhat because I don’t mask.
I love watching films but not really a tv person. I used to watch a lot growing up because that’s really all I had and books or music. But I don’t mask and don’t mimic, what people get is my true self if that makes sense even if I can seem eccentric because of it but I am true to myself and very straight forward and clear, like what you see is what you get with me which I can see some people maybe don’t understand because with NT people tend to not say what they mean so I get people misreading me too.
I struggle to at times, I have my wife but I have been put in situations here where people will basically not interact with me at all, I’ll sit for hours in silence while conversations happen around me so I become invisible a lot, I have that vampire thing where people forget I’m there or can’t see me I dunno what it is. I blend into the background for a lot of people and like it does bother me from time to time and it’s exhausting sitting watching people interact for hours with little to nothing in return. I just tend to go internal in those situations where I can occupy myself with the spiders, but I dunno how to fix that… I try not to let it bother me if that counts… I’m aware that I can be alienated being amongst a group of people who again don’t really want to get to know me or interact with me on any basic level past a hello when we meet.
yesssss long pooooosttttt looking for grooouuup
I had a million thoughts about this, but they all collided, and they’re just fragments, and they’re gone now. But I can relate to some of it, and I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
god so much compassion for you right now (I hope that’s not too corny to say). I went through some extremely dysfunctional relationships, I know NDs are horrifyingly more likely to go through this kind of thing.
literally that’s so awesome
wow! i’m actually really happy that you took those questions seriously, I was expecting them to be kinda glossed over since most people don’t think about this stuff like I do - or, like we do.
Yes!!! This makes sense!!! I have been struggling with this ALL WEEK!!! What do I want, what do I need? I want people to deeply know me!!! That’s the answer! Thank you!!
Yeah, that must have been rough. For what it’s worth, I’m really grateful for your honesty in these things, and I’m glad that you responded like you did.
I think you mention this later, but this feeling you mention of “at this stage I can’t be ‘fixed’ I just carry it with me” I understand a little. Like, no matter how much therapy or whatever I go through, I’m still going to have trouble with some things. I’m going to be nicer to myself about it though.
Yeah, I do like listening, but… I think you mention this elsewhere, but I too like the exchanges to be even. I’m slightly fixated on fairness in relationships, which can be helpful and detrimental at times.
Totally, it is the natural way of things sometimes to have people drift away, but I’m not sure how I’d take to having to re-explain how I am to new people every time someone drifts away. Maybe my self-interpretations would get better and the explanations shorter, but I think I would get tired of saying the same things to a rotating cast of faces eventually. So for years and years I’ve lurked, or only had one friend, etc.
I appreciate it, I too have the NT expectations brainworms. It helps me when people give me positive signals like you just did, thank you.
Yes, here’s what I was referring to earlier. 100% agree.
damn, honestly I feel that, especially now. I used to be very effusive, but cut them out once i started realizing all the religious bs was hurting me, and that i needed to transition.
Totally valid, for me it still happens even if I trust someone (or, well … do I really trust anyone except Partner?), even if I’ve known someone a Very Long Time, like my parents, I am still very hesitant and I disassociate a bit if they want to hug me. Especially if they have a discernible smell. Maybe it’s just them though haha, I have no problem hugging Partner, I do it a lot. I unironically like headpets too…
Yeah, this was the spot from above. I parse and thing about things out of order sometimes. tbh, I think this is a very reasonable perspective, and I’m going to borrow it for myself.
Yeah, I actually wasn’t worried at all - maybe it’s because I feel similarly, even though the magnitude is a bit smaller for me.
I think this is why I like you, in part. I like that you can see things from this honestly extremely healthy (imo) perspective, that you too are predisposed to worry, but aren’t afraid to be your authentic self, and you don’t let the worries consume you. I think the phrase I’m looking for is “mad respect.” I think I’m getting better, once I start to trust people more it gets easier, generally. But … sometimes after a social thing, for days I will ask Partner if I said something rude, etc. I still need that reassurance, he’s good at giving it. I agree, I do worry too much. “Wanting to be liked” is at the core of all social interaction for me, and Cool Therapist tells me that I can’t just kill these protective parts, but only talk to them and listen to them and help them grow.
Yes, I want this perspective for myself too!! This seems so reasonable to me. I would hope people would be direct if I upset them, I worry so so much, my Partner is like never upset, I used to ask him 5 times a day if he was mad at me (I don’t do this with other people thankfully), luckily I’ve gotten better at this over time. It’s been a struggle. I struggle to tell people that aren’t him that I’m upset, that’s going to be a difficult bridge for me to cross. Usually I just kinda stifle it, had a lot of people react poorly, lots of “psychologizing”… I will try.
totally.
yeah, this 100%. He seems to understand completely lol and yet I still compulsively reassure him. I must be hilarious to watch in action … haha. I have a secret hope that people will find me cute, instead of annoying, and never accuse me of gaslighting or being a psychopath again.
I think what I’m taking from this is that talking about it makes it sound worse than it is - it’s not such an acute thing for you?
Yeah, that’s fair. That’s an interesting metaphor that I’ve not encountered before, I’m curious as to why you describe them as goblin and spiders?
shoot, hit the text limit. more coming.
more
I’ve felt this at times, a lot when I was younger. I don’t have the right words to say about your experience, unfortunately :(
oof, this hurt to read. I think I can relate, once the mask comes down it’s all over for me.
Thank you, this is very kind.
Absolutely, this is something I’m just learning now, and starting to internalize that there are people in this world that won’t hold me to these constraints that I was never able to live up to in the first place.
For this, do you still mean NT people? Or NDs too?
I want to believe that not masking should not preclude you or I from being able to have meaningful relationships, but I confess that I don’t know for sure, I’m only just learning how to let it down (you know, like how when you’re clutching something tightly, you need to re-learn how to let go, finger by finger). I am holding out hope that there will be people other than Partner who will like the real me.
I enjoy the occasional film but I am honestly really burned out on American-style media, so I just watch One Piece and play games lol.
Yes, honestly this expectation that everyone is faking it can be harmful too; people expect there to be some kind of “angle” when we are just being honest. Sometimes I have to double my word count just to remove the insinuation of sarcasm or to make sure it is known that I am feeling a strong emotion. I am very obsessive about the way that I write or talk when I say controversial things. You’ve seen some of my edits. I try to read everything I write from multiple angles, different ways of interpreting etc, and try to guard against misunderstandings. I wish (or maybe I don’t wish) you could see how many times I’ve rephrased each sentence for every post I make on this site, but once I get to know people I can edit less as they understand me.
I don’t know why they do this. I am at the receiving end of so much of it. If I fight for it, I can include myself, but I don’t want to force people to include me. I think they do it to me because they don’t like me. Maybe they can smell the autism, or they know I’m trans (and hate that), idk.
oh boy, this is my actual personal hell. holy fuck, ow it hurt to read that. yes 100%, just feeling Trapped. For. Hours. Those kind of hours feel like decades to me.
I don’t know what else to do. I try to avoid people that make me feel like that. If I have to be there, I’m usually busying myself with eating or whatever if it’s a social meal. Once the meal is done, I can’t take it. I have to excuse myself. If I hear work people talk about how they met Owen Wilson one more time I will scream and get fired.
Yeah, I try not to think about it too much too.
I’m not really sure how to summarize all this, but I really appreciate you sharing. I know that it’s kind of asynchronous, but I’ve really enjoyed spending the afternoon together :) and would love to talk more.
Looong
Sorry for the slow reply, I wasn’t at the keyboard so waited to type this out when I could
Yeah unfortunately it’s pretty common unfortunately.
I think about this kind of stuff a lot honestly so it’s nice to speak to someone who also does (Ash does too, I think a few others do too)
I’m glad it helped! ^^
It can be difficult, but it’s really not that common for me to even get to that stage really. But yeah it turns into possibly years without any friends and waiting for it to come around again so to speak.
This sums me up succinctly, I do consider how the other person will react and feel, but I don’t let the worry become too much and all encompassing.
Your partner sounds very similar to myself, I can get upset but takes a lot to do it. Most of the time I’ll let things just wash over me for the most part.
I don’t think you’re annoying, Ash would be like that to me too “I’m annoying” or whatever she’d say and I’m the one telling her she’s not… shush you’re being silly, that kind of thing.
I do feel it to some degree the loneliness that is, but it’s like most days I don’t dwell on it and it comes in spells… of severity. But it sounds worse talking about it than how much it affects me. I think it’s more like if I’m not doing much and sitting with time to think about stuff it can creep in then and depending on mood can affect me somewhat but I do busy myself quite a bit to not really have time to dwell too.
Well the goblin is my self, me my id so to speak, the spiders are just the other kind of sides to it where the goblin will read off a list and the spiders will debate amongst themselves for the goblin to write down. (this is all metaphorical, it’s my self talking with various questions posed) I find it funny the image of a nest of spiders in deep conversation with themselves to answer to a Goblin who will eventually formulate the list ^^ it’s just me having fun also because of the “two wolves meme” my side of it is the goblin being my self, but there’s more that goes on inside with a debate hence the spiders…
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no need, it’s totally ok, it’s np if you want to respond the next day or whatever or if it’s too much to respond to to just say so
yeah, you are my people for sure
;_; that sounds super awful. i don’t know if i’d be really good at being a friend, but i’d be willing to try :)
yeah, that’s awesome! I gotta learn this
honestly, I have been telling him all week how much you and him should talk. I feel like the two of you are similar in some ways. We’re not sure if he’s ND, but he certainly has some traits of it haha.
thank you. lol so funny how similar Ash and I are in some ways…
Yeah, that makes sense. Kinda like the ringing in my ears, when it’s really quiet it starts to get painful, but a bit of background noise and it’s suddenly gone?
Oh! Actually this reminds me of some of the parts stuff Cool Therapist talks about. She talks about a core energy that is us, and a whole bunch of parts that can be various ages and temperaments (I’m not sure I spelled that right). These parts get created to protect us generally. I have a few parts, I’m getting to know them. One of them is oppressive over-rationalization and stunted emotional expression, another is internalized shame about my gender from my mom, one of me is internalized feelings of being trapped in a job from my dad… that kind of thing.
But I like your image better, haha. I like it!
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It isn’t any trouble more I was making a meal and I hate typing out large replies with a phone keyboard lol
I’m so used to people not really trying to get to know me and it’s kind of an ongoing thing.
It’s easy to see some traits when you know a good deal of them ^^
It could be some rejection sensitivity. Worrying about what other people think and such and how you’re perceived.
Yeah exactly it is like your focus is on something else so you aren’t focusing on it as much. It can lessen it because of the distraction.
I have a strong affinity with the goblin and it can be a funny way to expreas some of my inner workings and quirks in an easy to explain way. I’m glad you like it ^^
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I have it really bad, I am learning…
Yeah, totally. I do love me some distractions lol.
Okay this is silly but I was in the bath last night having a bit of a long talk with myself and tbh I had your mental image in my mind, I loved the image lol
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I know it can be very difficult to live with. I do my best to help Ash through her bouts, can be hard seeing how bad it can be.
I hope learning about it more and how to work with it can help.
same lol I can have a quiet day the odd time but I usually find something to distract me ^^
By all mewns if it helps to parse things with yourself. Glad you like it lol