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IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO or else I WILL BAN YOU
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The ‘Anarchists’ (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack…
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Did my injection in my thigh. I was very brave about it.
proud of you! barely any whimpering at all
I didn’t whimper
I love my wife!
Estrogen is unlocking new levels of loving my wife that were previously thought to be impossible
My lungs are not happy with me, that’s okay, I’ll still keep smoking that garbage
Argued with my mom and sister about not voting for Kamala this weekend. Apparently despite my vote having no impact on the outcome of the election thanks to the electoral college (which my mom stylizes as a “luxury” with accompanying judgment because I don’t have to engage in any strategy), they still think it’s important I vote for her to symbolize my support of women’s rights. I explained that I see voting for her as support for genocide, which they disagree with—they fully acknowledge the genocide is happening, mind you, they just think their vote for her is not expressing support for that.
The worst/best part is when my sister said part of the reason they’re upset by it is that I don’t have any have personal stake because I wouldn’t be personally affected or targeted by Trump’s policies…
So I had to remind them. I can’t really blame my sister too much because I only talked about it with her once like two years ago and maybe she forgot, and I haven’t begun any presentation changes or pronoun use IRL, but my mom should know better. She was literally crying half a year ago when I told her I wanted to be on estrogen (which is part of the reason I’m still not on it).
The only positive part was the satisfaction of weaponizing identity politics against my liberal family members. Sorry girls but trans gal beats out cis women in the woke hierarchy every time!!!
I touched on this in another thread but wanted to share here.
CW: controversial? Musings on my own personal experience of being trans by happenstance
Unlike most trans people I’ve met, I am of the belief that I am here now, living life as a stealth trans woman, as a direct result of my environment, not because of some internal gender that was always there. I am convinced that if I wasn’t relentlessly bullied, harassed, degraded, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child (due mostly to racism and homophobia) I would not have even thought to transition. I feel as if I consciously decided to become a woman at my lowest point, 4 years ago, simply as a way to kill the broken, unloved and unlovable husk of a person with no childhood, and no hope for the future and become someone, anyone, else. I dipped my toes in the water of experimenting with my presentation, and I was surprised by how easily I was able to pass, which only fueled my desire to transition solely as a way to save my life, which simply could not have continued as the broken “man” I was. I was on the brink but I saw a way out.
I started doing everything in my power to dress fasionably and femininely, went crazy hard on voice training, researched all I could on DIY hrt and how to source it, in an effort to pass at all costs. It was working shockingly well, and in a few months, long before I had even self identified as a women, I was passing as a women, very consistently, and for the first time in my life, I was able to be okay. I was able to feel confident in myself, express myself, not hate everything about me, because I wasn’t me anymore, I wasnt that broken THING I left behind, I could start over, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Living this way, passing as a woman while still secretly identifying as a man in my own head, slowly but surely over the course of a year, my internal gender literally changed into that of a woman, and one day, I actually, truly belived it with every fiber of my being, long after the world arround me did. It’s funny looking back, and a bit embarrassing, but after all that, 4 years later I am more sure that I am a woman than literally anything else about me, despite my recollection of events, and am positive that transitioning not only saved my life, but finally allowed me to enjoy it. However, I am almost positive that had my childhood been full of love, acceptance, and happiness, I would have never even considered transitioning. It very well could be the case that I am simply rationalizing away my “inherent transness” but that’s just my current take on it. Anayws, just felt like I wanted to get that off my chest and maybe hear the thoughts of other trans people on that whole ordeal…
Okay I just read this back like 5 minutes later and I’m completely delusional, I just described what being trans is, lol nevermind
have you read the Gender Accelerationist Manifesto? https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/vikky-storm-the-gender-accelerationist-manifesto It helped me frame some of the cognitive dissonance I felt in my identity, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.
Can I ask how it helped you frame things?
sure! stop me if i’ve told you any of this before, but I transitioned over 10 years ago at this point, and I’ve always struggled with identifying as a woman, and I could never really figure out why. Like it would be patriarchal to take that label for myself or something.
I was talking to a doctor and she asked me how I identified and I stumbled all over myself. Am I a woman? What is a woman? Can I really call myself one if I was socialized male? Prove it? What does it really mean to be trans? Nobody has scanned my brain and looked at the white matter or whatever to see if I’m Really Trans, and I’ve never gotten a chromosome test, either! To other people, these answers may be easy, but to me, I was unable to really feel genuine inside the mainstream canon about gender.
I like to be accurate when I’m describing things, and myself, so I was left frustrated with all of the popular queer and progressive descriptors. “Trans women are women” - yes ok, but what is a woman? I’m clearly different from the cis women I meet because of a vastly different life experience. What is a woman? Someone who is not a man? What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets? I have a lot of secrets. Or is it that a man isn’t a woman? This kind of circular logic went around and around in my head, and the best answer I has was “A woman is someone who fits the gender role and expectations of women in society” which just seems really unstable as a foundation because society changes, different around the world, and fuck I don’t want to just do what society tells me, and I don’t want to try and cram myself into womanhood either, I want to be authentically me, instead of mediating my gender for cisheteronormativity.
Then, someone mentioned the Gender Accelerator here. I read it. I was accelerated. Suddenly, I found a foundation with which to understand all of these complicated feelings I’m having. Gender is a class structure, created to divide out reproductive labour. Of course it is! Three, five, etc. gender societies exist because they have unique ways of splitting reproductive labour! Finally, this integrated those questions I had about them for me!
And … well, even “biological sex” is a construct. This fucking changed me. I’m an enby now. All my books have bright orange covers, I read about ace-spec identities for fun, and I refuse to label my gender except to be like “idk, demigirl maybe lmao.” This one document answered all of my confusion about how to label my actions regarding transition and what felt right to me, which is why I recommended it here in this post. Maybe others would have a different experience, or not be able to relate. Maybe some disagree with my perspective, I’d love to hear it if so.
I dont identify at all with any masculine labels, I never did. But I could never really feel like I could claim the mainstream concept of “woman” or “female” either. So, I kinda just wasn’t happy for years.
Thank you for writing up your thoughts! Theres some parts here that really make sense and parts that are a little confusing to me.
You said youd love to hear disagreements, and while I dont know if I have any of those, K do have thoughts i guess and ill put them here.
maybe shit opinions? Also super rambly... Talking about language and identity.
Like it would be patriarchal to take that label for myself
I dont understand this bit? Perhaps im misunderstanding and this is where you were at and not where you are at in your thought processes? Cause to my mind, a man removing themselves from that class and placing themselves in another class that is lower on the patriarchal hierarchy is inherrently non- or even antipatriarchal. Cause that system depends on its rigidity and punishes those who transgress, anyone who moves outside their class is engaging in non- or antipatriarchal movement.
Regarding womanhood, idk, i see the accelerators view as the one that makes the most sense, as a class under our gender system. And like, for myself, i wander between i guess woman, woman-adjacent, and agender/wtf-is-gender-stop-asking-me-weird-questions.
To me ig, woman is a label that is both applied to me by the outside world and that I apply to myself. Perhaps its cause I really like being femme, and the labour of the woman-class (under our gender system) is labour I do most often. I guess to me its not an issue of being a woman, but rather an issue of performing womanhood coupled with being seen as a woman. To be clear, the performance is not in a “person performing” kind of a way, but rather that the performance makes the person. And by “being seen”, i perhaps could say it better as being recognized in/for your labour. Because its rooted in a class system concerned with perpetuating not just individuals but society, womanhood and manhood and any gender cannot exist in a vaccum or without being seen by others. Or I guess, it could be in the sense that one observes onesself? Like, thats what were doing when we apply labels to ourselves, were observing ourselves as we would another, just with the added benefit of knowing our internal states far better than anyone else could. But the performative nature of identity is supee important imo, and to me explains a lot of my thought and feeling about who&how I am.
I guess an issue in what Im saying is that our language isnt suited to describing gender in this way; we speak of being a man/woman/enby/etc., but we should rather (imo) speak of it in a non-stative or otherwise transient way. Idk the verbs to do that without being clunky. Gender fluidity can kind of be used this way, but because of our language its still spoken of in a stative manner, and using it in that way feels wrong, because its misappropriating a stative label to describe a nonstative experience.
reject markov chain interpretations of self, we cannot divide a person infinitely into a series of states, we are not a computer!
even “biological sex” is a construct
This one was primed into me before I read the accellerator. I understood it as “sex is inherrently nonbinary and is a phenotype; its best thought of as a bimodal distribution of traits”. None of those traits are inherrently male/female. The missing part for me was that sex arises from gender, not the other way around. The accelerator brought me further into understanding this better. Like, imo we can re-sex ourselves. For a binary example, a penis can be a deeply feminine sexual organ, a vagina can be likewise a deeply masculine sexual organ, depending on how we apply gender to it.
Ok that got real rambly, and idk really how to conclude this, so uhhhh ill close by saying gender is fucky and we should roam free among the hills and plains of it, not be confined to penns and fenced in areas.
damn i fucking live for posts like yours, let me get in there
there's gonna be some brainworms discussion here
Like it would be patriarchal to take that label for myself
So, this was a reference to a moment I enjoyed from Orange Book, but it is honestly something I’ve felt. This is some Janice Raymond shit that I’ve internalized from being on the internet most of my life. I am working on this (which is why I’m reading Orange Book and why I enjoyed being accelerated so much), but it’s stubborn, and I do have this feeling of “invading women’s spaces” in changerooms etc. I simply do not go to women’s spaces.
I was in the hospital a few years ago due to gallstones (ow btw), and I was in the ER at first, but eventually they moved me to a surgical ward, and I honestly did not know until I saw it on a form somewhere that this was a capital W Women’s space. I felt uncomfortable - I don’t belong here, I’m not a “real” woman, do they know I’m trans? Do I pass too well? Was the change in my forms too successful?!
Everyone was very nice. And they all knew. It was meant to be gender affirming, and while I appreciated having my stated gender validated, and everyone was very very kind (I was emotional at a couple of bits because I was scared and they were so reassuring) I felt more at home in the ER where gender wasn’t a factor.
Maybe I felt this because of brainworms. Maybe I felt this because I don’t really see myself as a capital W Woman. It’s hard to tease all of it apart.
like, for myself, i wander between i guess woman, woman-adjacent, and agender/wtf-is-gender-stop-asking-me-weird-questions.
Honestly, I’m not sure where I’m going to end up, but I think you’re really getting into the direction I’m leaning here:
I guess to me its not an issue of being a woman, but rather an issue of performing womanhood coupled with being seen as a woman.
This 100%. It’s hard to say I am “being” anything except me. What is being, anyway? All gender to me feels like a performance, I like acting a certain way, I like dressing a certain way, but that’s not a statement of being. My true self is kinda meek, my voice apparently sounds really fem (according to Partner) even when I’m not trying (I never try anymore), my mannerisms are “cute,” apparently. But that isn’t a statement of being, I just kinda fit the role of “woman” more naturally.
Learning that agender people can still present fem has been a revelation. Maybe that’s where I’m leaning, due to all of this.
Because its rooted in a class system concerned with perpetuating not just individuals but society, womanhood and manhood and any gender cannot exist in a vaccum or without being seen by others.
Yeah, agree.
Or I guess, it could be in the sense that one observes onesself? Like, thats what were doing when we apply labels to ourselves, were observing ourselves as we would another, just with the added benefit of knowing our internal states far better than anyone else could.
huh… i’m not sure why that seems so weird to me. maybe this is just a me thing, i have trouble with labels without specific criteria. Autism? I can check off the boxes. ADHD? Literally diagnosed. Gender? I have to decide for myself, and the labels are fuzzy, and I get to just pick whatever.
If I have to pick something, I will pick nothing, at least today, lol.
But the performative nature of identity is supee important imo, and to me explains a lot of my thought and feeling about who&how I am.
Yeah, that makes sense to me. I feel like my entire life has been a performance due to masking though, so right now I’m trying to go deeper and figure out what’s beneath. The core identity of me, if I’m being real, that’s beneath any concept of gender.
we should rather (imo) speak of it in a non-stative or otherwise transient way.
YES OMG THIS FR FR. I think this suits me better, “being” hurts my head. I’m “doing” woman at work (but more like “tomboy”), I’m “doing” non-binary femme online, I’m “doing” agender to my parents (this is a compromise for them), and sometimes I “do” ultra-femme at home. I never do anything on the male end anymore, but that’s just me.
Gender fluidity can kind of be used this way, but because of our language its still spoken of in a stative manner, and using it in that way feels wrong, because its misappropriating a stative label to describe a nonstative experience.
I was literally just about to say that I don’t really like the label “genderfluid” because it’s too restrictive, myself.
reject markov chain interpretations of self, we cannot divide a person infinitely into a series of states, we are not a computer!
speak for yourself i’m rewriting myself in Rust
The missing part for me was that sex arises from gender, not the other way around.
totally, good point!
Like, imo we can re-sex ourselves.
I Changed My Sex Last Year? (idk this reminded me of another post)
For a binary example, a penis can be a deeply feminine sexual organ, a vagina can be likewise a deeply masculine sexual organ, depending on how we apply gender to it.
yeah, I won’t get into this but I’m struggling with my born-in uh physical attributes at the moment as I plan for bottom surgery. How much is framing? How much is actual dysphoria? What if my particular discomfort is about the incongruity with the role I’m expected to play?
idk really how to conclude this
lol, just like me fr fr
ill close by saying gender is fucky and we should roam free among the hills and plains of it, not be confined to penns and fenced in areas.
agree, i don’t want to put whatever’s going on in here into a box anymore.
damn i fucking live for posts like yours
Alright my turn lol
Re: orange book, i havent read it so I cant comment.
invading womens spaces + your gallstone experience
So, is it like specifically about womens spaces, or about the perhaps unneccessary gendering of spaces that gives you bad/weird feelings? Perhaps both?
Fwiw i relate to that feeling, but for me its a preemptive thing, like im anticipating judgement and potential violence. I had a huge breakthrough for myself like a month ago when I used the womens bathroom at a big store with tons of people, i was just doing my business and I didnt feel like I belonged but I didnt feel like I didnt belong.
The core identity of me
To me, its not just gender thats a performance, but the entirety of identity. Theres a ton of performance that we dont exactly have control over. Like, the mind and self arent seperate from the body, its all one continuous thing, and every aspect of our identity is performance.
To me, part of coming out, and breaking down my general performances, all of that wasnt supposed to result in not performing anything, but rather to get rid of the explicit and intentional performances that make me unhappy, that bring me sadness and pain, the ones that I do for others and not for myself.
Even when Im alone, because Im self aware, I perform and am observed by myself, and it makes me happy/sad/etc. because of the way the identity performance is engrained into self-ness. Im both the observer and the observed. This is inherrent in our self awareness, without it we would be just impulse machines responding to stimuli (imo).
YES OMG THIS FR FR. I think this suits me better, “being” hurts my head. I’m “doing” woman at work (but more like “tomboy”), I’m “doing” non-binary femme online, I’m “doing” agender to my parents (this is a compromise for them), and sometimes I “do” ultra-femme at home. I never do anything on the male end anymore, but that’s just me.
Ok i really like this “doing” way you talk about it. Like, as stereotypical and ironically used as it is, the whole “its giving x” thing, when coupled with the usage of “doing” youve put forth here, really captures the idea of identity to me. Theres what one does, i.e. how one performs, intentionally or not. And then theres how that is recieved and interpreted by other parties, the “what its giving” aspect of it. These coupled together show the way identity exists in between observer and performer.
speak for yourself i’m rewriting myself in Rust
Like, imo we can re-sex ourselves.
I Changed My Sex Last Year?
I cant tell if this is supposed to be tongue in cheek? But if not, like, theres the aspect of changing our phenotype, yes, but im trying to get at that we can change our sex just by re-gendering our physical traits, and seeing them as feminine/masculine/etc. But also theres like the whole aspect of society at large not seeing that, and enforcing both implicitly and explicitly that such a re-gendering is wrong/unacceptable to our gender system.
Thats not to invalidate physical dysphoria. Like, I know that my anatomy is wrong for me, theres a fundamental impedance mismatch between my mind and my genitals (and some other things). That we can re-gender our sexual traits doesnt make them physically congruent, just socially/relationally congruent.
agree, i don’t want to put whatever’s going on in here into a box anymore.
Time for an anti-box manifesto
done work for the week, finally finished the first part of Orange Book, ama lol
How did you find the first part?
spoiler
it was good so far! started out me fr fr, kinda ended me fr fr, except the drugs of course. i have been fired from a number of jobs… for uh various reasons. i also responded to khizuo … i’ve been keepinig a list of quotes that i either related to or liked, i’ll probably put together a highlights thing once i’m further in.
i dig it, it’s good. makes me wish it was raining, or playing Rain Code. I’ve definitely disappeared into relationships and neglected friendships before…
spoiler
I look forward to hearing how you find it once you’re done. Glad you’re enjoying it . I shall have a peek at what you said to Khizuo c:
ve definitely disappeared into relationships and neglected friendships before…
I’ve never had friends so not really had that issue
I look forward to hearing how you find it once you’re done.
i will report back!
I’ve never had friends so not really had that issue
Thinking about this statement confuses me a bit, I’m not sure why. Not because of you, of course, I think because I’m trying to piece together some things I can’t quite express about the idea of “friends” at the moment and how I am in relation to other people.
aside from that, do you wish you did have some? or no?
spoiler
i will report back!
Looking foreard to it c:
I mean I have talked to people online but not any irl friends, some people come and go like acquaintances but most lose interest or ghost me or move on but nobody but Ash knew me as a person much, irl I haven’t had any.
I don’t know , sometimes I would maybe but I’ve spent like 40 years without any real friemds, other than Ash I haven’t really had any irl. Not many have tried to get to know me like I’ve barely any people I talk to online even. I busy myself to not think about it so much. Though some days It can get to me. Handy living with my best friend and wife, but sonetimes I still feel lonelines, I don’t talk to my family either.
I also struggle with feeling boring, probably a self worth issue. I don’t really know how to do friend stuff. I’m so used to being self reliant like I don’t need people like some others do but thats not to say I don’t feel lonely or whimsical about it sometimes.
I’ve spent years alone with juat shop assisstants to talk to.
sorry for the late (and long, and self-centered omg) reply, I was thinking about you all evening but kinda hit my brain’s general daily comprehension limit and couldn’t find the right words.
spoiler
One of the hardest things about responding this post was actually trying to figure out my own history when it comes to friendships so that I can empathize. I’ve had a lot of different phases of my life, parts where I masked well enough to be popular (for … a certain definition of popular?), parts where I rejected everyone around me (different reasons at different phases), parts where I’ve only had Partner, parts where I’ve felt like “friendships” are actually working (for … a certain definition of working), parts where my only friends were online, parts where I don’t know what I want (I am here now). It’s kind of a confusing mess if I look back, and most of it was not sustainable. I am liking this online thing (as I did when I was young), because I can take the night to think about an entire post like yours, currently, but I do have a bit of trouble keeping up when I’m having a large deep conversation with more than 3 or 4 people at once.
some people come and go like acquaintances but most lose interest or ghost me or move on but nobody but Ash knew me as a person much
- based wifey. she sounds (I mean, and is) absolutely awesome, and I’m so glad you found her :)
- I struggle with what I would define as a “friend.” I’ve been mulling this over all week, honestly, and the only definitions of “friend” I have have been NT ones. I’m not sure where the line should be - I’ve been toying with different criteria for the label on this one. (is one-on-one conversation required? is it just a length of time thing? does it need to be mutual? does there need to be some kind of “I’ll stay up till 1am with you if you need it” agreement? do you need to be able to stay at their house at a moment’s notice like in Orange Book? i am so dumb about this) I have been working on some thoughts on what would solve the loneliness in me is, the closest I’m getting is the phrase “found family.” I don’t have anything deeper yet, but maybe that’s all right? Maybe I’ll know it’s right when I see it.
- I have been ghosted … a number of times. I can relate to that. In my case it’s usually that I come on too strong and that scares people, or maybe I start to unmask a bit and they don’t like it, or maybe I am dumb and accidentally trigger them, edit: or maybe I talk about myself too much. Honestly, I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of ND intensity before too irl, and not really known how to act, so I kind of get it? It’s difficult to keep it all in check for me… luckily online I can take breaks, breathe, mediate a little bit (even just trying not to respond one minute after someone posts or blow up someone’s inbox (tbh i love it when people do this to me though, haha the silly rules i’ve internalized)) so that I don’t scare people…
- But I can sympathize for sure. Most of my life I’ve struggled to find people to hang out with. High school was brutal until grade 12 (I moved across the country a month into grade 12, without my parents lol) where I got … really really lucky… and met a bunch of extremely funny people that … like, actually liked me?! I was on top of the world … they were so nice omg. I didn’t stay in touch with them… didn’t know how. And then I transitioned. All of my friends have felt transitory in some way or another, other than one friend who has stuck around (who also happens to be an ex) that i’ve been in and out of contact with over the years. I liked moving around a lot as I grew up. People would start to hate me over time, and the fresh starts let me reinvent myself.
- Even when I do have people that I feel comfortable around I’m still always fucking mediating… like, I won’t text too fast, because I don’t want to annoy them. I won’t talk about myself when they’re talking about themselves (oh… well, whoops, guess I forgot about that this week…). I’ll hold off asking too many questions when I start to get confused instead of risking angering them (always expecting the “I thought we were friends! you don’t even understand this basic stuff about me?!”
actually I had a friend over a while ago and it wasn’t great, I was trying to help and I just got this standoffishness from her and I actually didn’t process that until now wow fuck me) And, worst, sometimes it will take me a long time to reply (one of our board game friends sent our group a message about an Unfathomable expansion that I have in the back of my mind for like 2 weeks now, but since I need to actually read about it and have An Opinion in order to be able to reply, I haven’t responded. Luckily, Partner did it for me, lmao. based Partner… I wouldn’t and didn’t have anyone without him)
Not many have tried to get to know me like I’ve barely any people I talk to online even.
I don’t have much to say to this unfortunately but I do feel what you’re saying.
I busy myself to not think about it so much. Though some days It can get to me. Handy living with my best friend and wife, but sonetimes I still feel lonelines, I don’t talk to my family either.
eeee oh my god this made me feel something so strong. I’m not an irl touchy person but I want to like virtually hug you so bad.
I busy myself to not think about it so much
I’ve been struggling to explain this loneliness to myself and to Partner, because it’s not like I’m not happy with him. But I feel it too. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.I also struggle with feeling boring, probably a self worth issue.
I’m sure you can tell I struggle too with how I think people perceive me, but like in the opposite direction. fwiw I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversations, and I’ve really enjoyed starting to get to know you. I’m just an internet stranger trying to figure all of this stuff out too, but it’s the best I can offer for now.
I asked Partner if he could relate to this as well, and he says instead that he struggled to be understood in the past - he says people used to ask him to repeat himself a lot, or just smile and nod. aaaaaaa i want to fix everyone. For the record, he says I don’t do this, but well I think he’s being nice (I have trouble understanding words sometimes once I hit the rate limit).
I don’t really know how to do friend stuff.
yeah, i feel like I kinda intuited some of it from TV shows and films (actually I learned a lot about how to mask from Scrubs or Parks & Rec, tbh), but uhh as far as presenting authentically, no amount of copying and scripting can help with that, can it? I wonder what my conversations would look like if I was 0 masking…
I’m so used to being self reliant like I don’t need people like some others do but thats not to say I don’t feel lonely or whimsical about it sometimes.
yeah, totally valid
I’ve spent years alone with juat shop assisstants to talk to.
(sorry, this post was (can’t find the word), I hope you feel seen nonetheless)
spoiler
One of the hardest things about responding this post was actually trying to figure out my own history when it comes to friendships
Yeah I’ve had so much time to think and mull on this kind of stuff so I’ve been around the logic of it for a very long time lol trying to figure out what the issue is or why I’ve not really been successful in forming friendships. I know a lot stems from being alienated because of stuff at home growing up with abuse and other things, being autistic and not really being able to form any friendships in school and then as I moved from Primary to Secondary I then got bullied too on top so it kind of left me with nobody to help or talk to and such, this was pre-internet days so it’s not like now where you can just go online I spent most of my childhood trying to escape the reality and sometimes hiding under the bed and shutting myself away from my family. As far as friends I’ve never had a friend group so it’s easy, I’ve had a few relationships and two of those were abusive too so it also had a contributing factor in me being able to trust people, especially when I’ve been on the receiving end for a lot of my life before I transitioned.
based wifey
She is based, we’re best friends and like we think very similarly and the best thing to ever happen to me. She’s the only person to truly get me as a person.
is one-on-one conversation required?
I think it is to some degree. I think I separate the friendship/acquaintances to how deeply they know you so to speak (this is what makes sense in my head) like I have had people who chat to me about random shit but nothing really deeper. I used to have more walls while dealing with my trauma which probably had some effect of closing me off but I’ve had about 25 years of abuse from various parties, like physical, mental and verbal so it was hard to learn to drop some of those walls to be able to be a human. (but I am not afraid to show my bare ass like what you see here) I still have some trust issues and I definitely have ptsd and some other triggers that can happen years later because of what I’ve been put through. (also I don’t have a lot of reference for other people so a lot of my experience is from my own perspective or about me because it is easier to give you that information because that’s how it formed me as a person, not that I can’t talk about my wife but I am conscious of talking about oneself too much and I know NT world states it’s a faux pas but that’s just how I am)
I have been ghosted
Yeah it’s become a standard with online spaces I guess lol I have had people talk about themselves mainly and that’s been the whole “relationship” so that can be wild too. I don’t tend to let these kinds of things bother me though it’s like nomads drifting and you may have a chat or be the sympathetic ear from time to time but it can feel hollow sometimes when it’s all the other person and when they lose interest they drop you.
I won’t talk about myself when they’re talking about themselves (oh… well, whoops, guess I forgot about that this week…)
This is also an autism trait but also (I don’t have much other than me and my wife to talk about lol so like a lot of this I chalk up to NT brainworm bs and try to ignore that but like I’ve said above I’m also aware of it too, I don’t mind people talking about themselves at all, so don’t let that doubt worry you… I only get bothered if it feels one way and more over time like I think a lot of it is you want the exchange of information to be balanced and not skewed in one direction, I know I do but rarely get that.
As for in person, well I’ve not had the opportunity to interact with a lot of people that want to get to know me.
I thought we were friends! you don’t even understand this basic stuff about me?!
I would be the one where this is pretty relatable to my experience, my family couldn’t tell you anything about me as a person, they couldn’t tell you my favourite colour or anything about me at all I was so shut off from them. And well most people that I’ve interacted with here would be on a similar level of understanding me, nobody really knows me or tries to get to know me.
I’m not an irl touchy person
Me neither, only person that gets that close to me is Ash, I couldn’t even hug family members when I had to interact with them, past tense. I am pretty stand offish and I can be cold if I’m unsure about people, again I do have trust issues especially around touch and getting too close to me physically… I need to trust someone to even be comfortable to have a hug. Not that I’m a meek person either, I do have my presence which can make people take a step back I’ve just been through a lot and mix that with a lot of autism I can seem robotic and cold when I have the walls up too so it’s a delicate balancing act and I’ve worked through a lot of mental stuff but I think at this stage I can’t be “fixed” I just carry it with me (hence the presence and the feeling of oppressive sadness/pain that I don’t necessarily feel but it’s there under everything) I’m not depressive as much as I probably sound sad it’s just “I’ve seen a lot of shit” and been on the end of a lot of shit too so some of that will always remain. Though I’m well past being suicidal where I have been before I transitioned. I’m long past that though just so you and whoever else reads this knows… I’m not depressed I’m just very aware that I’ve been damaged to my core.
I’m still always fucking mediating
I get this but realistically you do worry too much… I do mull on things sometimes, like “was I too blunt” or “I hope I don’t offend them” stuff like that, I do hope that people understand that I do care to some degree but I also don’t worry too much about people too… like I don’t go out of my way to be an asshole to anyone. I would hope people can tell the difference with me that they’d be able to talk to me if I upset them but I know some people can misread things from me so I do hope that at least in some part they’ll know everything is coming from the void the same way, like I’m not trying to be a dick to you, even if I seem blunt or direct.
virtual hugs I can do ^^
I’ve been struggling to explain this loneliness to myself and to Partner, because it’s not like I’m not happy with him. But I feel it too. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.
I think some of it can be when you have time to think about some of the emptiness you feel, the loneliness can creep up on you and into your thoughts. I have spent years alone so it gave me a long time to mull on it. I think one person can’t always hold up everything and you do need more outlets too… So I get the “you need to socialise more” kind of rhetoric but not really… for me personally, and It always sounds more severe too when you talk about the loneliness side of it. I’ve always had that emptiness because well I didn’t have any outlets and mostly my self (I joke about my goblin and then the swarm of spiders who mediate in my head, but that’s my self and then the internal logic and analysis (from the spiders) so I embraced it somewhat but some days you feel invisible and I guess that’s more what bothers me about the whole thing. More being unseen and I’ve spent a lot of my life like that too.
I’m sure you can tell I struggle too
I think maybe I’m just not what people expect or don’t care. I am used to people not really caring but that doesn’t really bother me. I don’t think you’re boring either. I think my self worth is where it comes from partially. I do feel sometimes I am a burden too but that’s common for autistic people and not wanting to overburden people and also because society is build around NT people and we struggle to fit within those constraints too, but I also feel like these people don’t try to get to know me, and it’s more that side of things. There’s many factors more than likely more on their end than mine but I’m not going to assume I don’t have my faults either or lack somewhat because I don’t mask.
i feel like I kinda intuited some of it from TV shows and films
I love watching films but not really a tv person. I used to watch a lot growing up because that’s really all I had and books or music. But I don’t mask and don’t mimic, what people get is my true self if that makes sense even if I can seem eccentric because of it but I am true to myself and very straight forward and clear, like what you see is what you get with me which I can see some people maybe don’t understand because with NT people tend to not say what they mean so I get people misreading me too.
I hope you feel seen nonetheless
I struggle to at times, I have my wife but I have been put in situations here where people will basically not interact with me at all, I’ll sit for hours in silence while conversations happen around me so I become invisible a lot, I have that vampire thing where people forget I’m there or can’t see me I dunno what it is. I blend into the background for a lot of people and like it does bother me from time to time and it’s exhausting sitting watching people interact for hours with little to nothing in return. I just tend to go internal in those situations where I can occupy myself with the spiders, but I dunno how to fix that… I try not to let it bother me if that counts… I’m aware that I can be alienated being amongst a group of people who again don’t really want to get to know me or interact with me on any basic level past a hello when we meet.
